the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
