Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
