i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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