I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
