I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
