apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Randomize
