That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
