I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
