just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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