Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
