Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
