He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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