Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
