Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
