god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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