how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
