1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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