How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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