I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
