Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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