Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
