apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I smell like Dick and happiness
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
