I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
