I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
