I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
