can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
