I looked at my own cervix.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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