there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
