Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
