i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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