Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
