i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
