You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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