sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
