her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
