I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
