You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
two words...techno handjob
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
