My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
