she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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