i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
