first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
