Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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