If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
