My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
