he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
