Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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