I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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