Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize