I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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