1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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