Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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