I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
