Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
