i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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