Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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