my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
