he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize