one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
