I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
