How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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