If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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