cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
