I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
