I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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