my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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